to be or not to be?
"First class, up in the sky/Poppin' champagne/Livin' my life in the fast lane." Fergie "Glamorous"
Apologies for the delay– I have been working on the essay I had planned for this week, but I want to do more research for it. The direction and subject interest me greatly, and I think it could make a nice writing sample for my graduate school applications– if you didn’t know, I am planning on applying to Master's programs for Journalism. For this reason, I’ve decided to push it back until I can have a better grasp on the topic and the way I want to write about it. My choices this last week socially have also added to my inability to get this out on time. I decided to prioritize social time.
Instead of my originally planned essay, I want to talk about a few passion projects I hope to work on as I embark on grad school applications and the process of changing careers. Having decided so young that I wanted to be a designer, I never went through the quintessential young adult growing period of trying to figure out what I like to do, what I want to do, and what I can do. Even with the eras of questioning I laid out in my first essay, I always had a strong goal that kept me focused throughout college. Originally I had felt lucky that I didn’t have to struggle with these questions, never had to fear if I chose right, but now I think I missed out on something crucial. I know it’s fully anecdotal evidence, but as a general rule, my friends who went into school with a specific dream and followed that path either have left or are planning to leave that field. Conversely, my friends who waffled a bit, switched things up, were a little more lost, are prospering in their chosen careers.
I think uncertainty is necessary for development. I know much of my skill and comfort with looking internally comes from those moments when I felt lost and had to take the time to figure out what came next. I am excited to use this time for just that. While I intend to do freelance work during this time so that I have some sort of income, I mainly want to focus on trying what has been pushed aside in my pursuit to be a designer. It feels profoundly delightful to have time to try new things, to hopefully remove the rose colored glasses I have always used when looking at other potential paths.
While I feel fairly certain about the career pivot I’ve chosen– Journalism– I have a nagging fear that I latched onto a new dream without taking enough time to think it through. Although my therapist wants me to trust myself and my gut with this choice, I don’t want to jump from one long term dream into pursuing something new solely to forsake the uneasiness around not having a goal. I want to actively take the time to think through my choices, and, thankfully, the grad school application process sets me up with the perfect amount of time to become certain in my choice while still feeling like I am working towards something.
From a professional standpoint, I hope to talk to multiple journalists and editors in different levels of the field. I aim to learn about what stands as the greatest obstacles when starting, where they find fulfillment, and the tasks that make up their daily to-do. While I recognize how this could be a benefit from a networking stand point, I primarily want to learn more about what the path of a journalist actually includes. I know that I glamourized the fashion industry, so I plan to do my research and move forward with a more transparent understanding of what my newly chosen path entails.
A major factor in my decision to pivot a way from fashion is how creatively depleted I have felt in the last couple of years. This depletion comes from constantly feeling like I’m on the periphery of creative work, rather than overuse, as one might think. Therefore, I hope to give my creative self a reset during this time. The first choice I made in the attempts to rehab my creativity comes in the form of a novel writing class I signed up to take at UCLA. I both want desperately to write a novel– I started one last fall but have lost momentum– and believe that doing something so creatively different from fashion will be the best way to let myself explore what creativity means to me. The class starts July 5th, and I am deeply looking forward to it. Depending on how it goes, I will likely take another class come fall. Possibly the second level of the novel class or something in the journalism program.
I also hope to work more consistently on my painting practice. I got into art school based on a portfolio primarily made up of paintings, and I’d like to rekindle a fine arts practice. I have painted periodically since graduating, and it brings me to a specific level of joy and bliss not achieved by much else. I looked into classes to take here as well; I am particularly interested in an oil painting one, as I’ve never worked with oils before. However, I don’t plan to sign up for anything until after I see how I enjoy the class at UCLA. In the vein of rekindling a fine arts practice, I think I might look into studios where I could take other types of classes, such as printmaking or pottery. I miss working with my hands.
While I think all this creative work will be incredibly beneficial for me and my goals, I ultimately want to spend much of this time pursuing all the activities I could never make time for while working full time:
I want to become a certified yoga teacher. Whether that be through a slower weekend based program here in LA or going on a multi-week retreat, I have not decided. I started practicing yoga regularly at 19; it has made such a profound impact on my ability to sit with myself and my trauma, as well as brought me into an incredible community for which I am filled with gratitude.
I want to do a thru-hike. Currently I am researching the Catalina Island Trail. At four days and three nights, it feels fairly accessible and a good place to start. Plus the easy access from LA can’t be understated. While I loved hiking throughout college and ventured out into the Ozarks several times, living in Los Angeles has fostered an unexpected love for the serenity of being with nature. I am not sure the Pacific Crest Trail or Appalachian are ever going to be in my wheelhouse, but these shorter trails excited me endlessly.
I want to take a language class, either to sharpen my French or to learn Spanish. I have long desired to be bilingual, but have not motivated myself to seriously learn a language since my time spent in Paris. I’d love to take French and return to the joy of my gap year, but I’d also love to learn Spanish to communicate both with my partner’s Cuban family and more broadly in Los Angeles and New York.
I want to gather all the necessary paperwork to apply for my Greek citizenship. My great grandfather immigrated in the 1920s, and, according to my research, I am the last eligible generation. I fell in love with the country when I visited last October, and I can’t undervalue how beneficial an EU passport would be.
I started an instagram to review my favorite food, nachos. It all started as a joke with my friend Shelby, but for the last few months I have thought it sounded like it would be so much fun to explore the city trying all the best nachos and ranking them in a decisive way. The instagram is @thenachodispatch and has no posts yet. I plan to come up with review metrics tomorrow before Shelby and I go out for nachos in the evening.
While there are many less feasible ideas that I’d love to pursue, I think all of this feels like a really good start going into the year. I see myself using my unstructured time to explore both within myself and in the world. I cannot undersell how excited I am for this level of freedom, even with how scary it also feels. And don’t worry, I will update you with progress on these goals as my year wears on.
Weekly Book Recommendations:
Books I want to read this year:
Quit: The Power of Knowing When to Walk Away by Annie Duke
Quitting is often the most beneficial thing you can do for yourself and your happiness, yet as a society we demonize it. Duke’s research into quitting’s positive after effects feels like exactly what I need to be reading right now.
The Good Enough Job: Reclaiming Life from Work by Simone Stolzoff
Originally sent to me by my friend Haley, Stolzoff book examines the pitfalls of associating your identity with your work. As someone who has tied my identity to the fact that I am or was going to be a designer and am now changing fields, I want to explore more deeply and analytically the issues I have caused myself from doing just that.
Against Creativity by Oli Mould
Ed note: Currently reading this one. Mould argues that how creativity is sold to us today is repackaged capitalism and a neoliberal farce. He is reexamining what creativity means, and what it means to be a creative person. I am learning so much about propaganda and socio-political movements while also feeling incredibly validated about my choices.